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I distinctly hear a horse in distress, but am choosing to ignore the possibility that this dude just murdered Drake's horse for no good reason. That night, Malfoy's Slytherin crony burns down Drake's barn. Just admit that you're feeling lazy today. Um, Ross, you are very much the kind of man who loves pontificating and playing the hero. *rewatches the past three seasons of this show* Okay, I'm back. I am not that man, Demelza! I have never been that man!" "You would have me pontificate and play the hero and make some grand, dramatic gesture. On the other side of town, Demelza continues to beg Ross to stand up for Drake and all the poor people being trampled by the Malfoys of the world. The writers trying to effectively utilize this character: So this was all about money? It would have been so much better if Jennifer Lawrence had been a revenge-obsessed mastermind, but she's just a horny blackmailer. Over at Toe Fungus Incorporated, Jennifer Lawrence has an idea: she'll get married to a random librarian and they'll pretend Gross Goblin has nothing to do with the baby. Demelza's facial reaction (and a little something I added) speaks for us all:įor those keeping track, her extra-marital affair likelihood meter just went up from 96% to 97%. Ross says he has bigger things to worry about and explains that his awesome, gorgeous, cool ex would never allow such a thing to happen anyway. Geez, let the poor boy sadly hammer hot metal! Demelza realizes Malfoy is most likely behind this and runs to Ross for help. The next day, Drake discovers that someone has destroyed his blacksmith shop and driven off his customers. She never wanted revenge for her sister, only to get a piece of that toe-slurping action. I can't even pretend to care at this point.īack at Athlete's Foot Locker, Jennifer Lawrence announces that she's pregnant. In town, Ross has been chosen to lead a neighborhood-watch militia.
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La have really loud sex in the next room. Gross Goblin quickly agrees because Jennifer Lawrence has taken off her shoe and is rubbing her foot while staring longingly at him.ĭear Jennifer Lawrence, I have one thing to say to you:Īfter Doc leaves, Morwenna snores and dreams of toads, while Gross Goblin and J. Over at Toe Jam Headquarters, Doc prescribes Morwenna a tincture that will help her deal with her FML existence (it knocks her out cold) and advises Gross Goblin to continue not raping her. Malfoy makes a mental note to destroy the little happiness he has left because sociopaths gonna sociopath. On his way back from passing laws in London that make sure poor people can't afford grain during a famine, Malfoy passes Drake's house and sees him minding his own damn business. Her adultery likelihood meter goes from 95% to 96%. It reads:ĭemelza is wowed by his frank lyricism. On a different cliffside, Demelza reads a poem from Prison Bestie. The French were either spying or just wanted to take a sick Instagram shot of waves crashing on the English shore (no one said getting 100 likes was easy). Pigpen are getting tanked on rum because what else is there to do in 18th-century Cornwall? But something disrupts their day drinking French ships coming in hot! All the other bored and/or drunk townies pick up their pitchforks and tiki torches (too soon?), vow to start using the term "freedom fries" (not too soon), and head to the beach to meet the invasion.īut no one comes ashore. On the edge of a cliff, Bone Maraca Pirate and Mrs. Will Ross get mono from all that smooching? Will Demelza finally blast some Marvin Gaye and get it on with Prison Bestie? Will Jennifer Lawrence explain why in the world she gave her sister's evil husband a lap dance? Only one way to find out! On with the show! In the previous episode of Poldark, Ross kissed Elizabeth all over her head, Demelza asked for an open relationship, and Jennifer Lawrence randomly hooked up with Gross Goblin.